Have you ever dived into a glazed donut and thought, “wow, I would love a glass of vodka to help wash this dessert down”? Do you go out at night seeking the spicy kick of biting into a full Jalapeño pepper and say, “ This would go really well with a glass of booze”? Me neither.


There was a time growing up that the only flavored booze that was available was chocolate or tropical Alizé. Going through a bottle of that would not only fuck you up, but also give you this wicked hangover that made you feel like it was the “Day After Tomorrow” in your head.


Personally, I’m not a big vodka drinker. I tried all the combinations and never unlocked the safe. Bloody Marry’s, Vodka Tonic, and straight Vodka never sat well in my stomach. Almost 100% of the time, my night ended with my head in the toilet for 4 hours until realizing that the only thing I did different that night was drink Vodka.


As life kept going, my alcohol experimentation narrowed down. I realized that any clear alcohol was dangerous to my drinking experience and thus, dove into whiskey and dark rum with both feet.


With dark rum and whiskey you get many flavors but nothing too foreign. They were smoky and spicy but never really fruity or outrageous. You never saw and probably will never see Gummy Bear Scotch or Chocolate Cake Rum. I knew I liked rum and whiskey or scotch so much more than Vodka because I never ended up face down ass up in the bowl after drinking all night. Pause.


Check out these ridiculous flavors of Vodka that I’ve researched for potential upcoming episodes of EpicMealTime. Though I’ve never tried them, and probably never will, here’s what Iimagine they would taste like.


Jalapeño Vodka

Have you ever bit into a Jalapeño pepper or something spicy and immediately took a sip of a soda? You get this horrible burn on your tongue that feels like you’re taking a Gillette razor to your taste buds. This is how I imagine what Jalapeño Vodka tastes like. This is torture by ways of taste buds, taking your masochism to the next level. The only thing I can guarantee this vodka to do is cause canker soars and heartburn, no thanks.


Glazed Donut Vodka

Booze goes together with desserts like lettuce goes with burgers. Its not needed and anyone who does it, does it for the wrong reasons. I like a good Tia Marria Cake like the next dude, but there’s a fine line between liquors and liquors. Vodka isn’t one of those thicker sweet drinks that goes well with baked goods and pastries and this Glazed Donut Vodka doesn’t count as an exception.


Bakon Vodka

Obviously we love bacon. The salty smoked flavor of every strip is intoxicating enough that before we know it, we’re 15 pounds in (of bacon) and still eating. We’ve drank whiskey with bacon, and drank 4LOKO out of a bacon cup, still we wanted more. Once we got our hands onto a bottle of this vodka it was apparent, bacon should stay out of the way of distilled booze. You know when you love something so much and you need everything that is related to it? That’s how we felt about bacon and bacon vodka. The problem was, when you drank it, the artificial flavor of pig was so empowering; it just tasted like smoke in liquid form. From then on, we never drank it again.


PB&J Vodka

Eating a peanut butter and jelly or jam sandwich is something we all grew up on. The contrast of the salty creaminess of the peanut butter goes perfectly with the sweet tartness of the jam or jelly. What’s the best way to wash this delicious treat down? Normally its milk, but I’ve seen people so obsessed with Diet Coke, they’d chose that 10 times out of 10. Either way you cut it, how often do you see someone with a Vodka Cocktail in one hand and a PB&J sandwich in the other? That being said, whose bright idea was it to try this in a bottle? We tried to get this vodka once while filming our PB&J ARCHETYPE episode. Luckily, this wasn’t available in Canada and thus, we never had the unfortunate experience of trying it.